Herrow,
3. Something else you didn't consider.
You're describing something which I've been tinkering with recently so I'll add some thoughts. I've looked at zoossh and stem for parsing. They are inadequate alone. What you need is to properly define this domain-specific language using a context-free grammar. Then it doesn't matter how you parse the data, or what language, and the semantic analysis phase can be mapped to a variety of analysis/viz tools from SciPy to R.
Thinking of this in terms of the parser is too being too limited in your view. The parser is really not that important. The code that is implemented in both parsers you describe is naive because it (alone) doesn't require the semantic analysis to derive useful inferences. Parsing only produces primitives for analysis, and the rate at which these primitives are produced is a completely different problem from what you're trying to solve.
We may cross paths on this subject again in the future.
Regards
--leeroy